Artist Website Hated By Google

 Late last year, I was asked to take a look at British artist Mark Alexander's website to see if I could work out why it was not ranking in Google for some simple terms.

Despite making huge changes to the site and working on everything I could think of, Google still hates it. As of September, the site does not show anywhere for 'Mark Alexander artist' 'Mark Alexander art' and combinations of these terms. However, he settles nicely on the second page for the more broad term 'Mark Alexander'.

For the record, there are no problems in Search Console or Lighthouse and I have even implemented some changes recommended in a Google post I initiated.

Now I understand for a term like Mark Alexander artist there will be some competition - mainly from galleries, museums, and his social media profiles. However as you can see from the image below, I have been to the depths of the SERPS and found nothing.

I mean nowhere! Seriously. This appears as though it is some kind of shadow ban. However, why does it rank in its correct position for 'Mark Alexander'. If I was a detective, I'd say this was my toughest case to crack of all time.

The thing is, I am not an expert on this type of thing. My background is in SEO content. I've always been interested in user intent. What does the person searching for something, actually expect to see? For Mark Alexander artist, my guess would be that any searcher may expect to find his Wikipedia page; some gallery pages showcasing some of his most famous exhibitions; his social media accounts (although he does have a Knowledge Panel for this term) and eventually (fanfare!) Mark Alexander's artist homepage or at the very least his biography page. 

Even writing this, from a blog I very rarely use, I fear this post will appear in the rankings. Obviously not high but it will be somewhere...unlike this site. In the next blog, I'll describe how I found the site, late last year and explain some of the things I did to help it ranks. Any thought off anyone with more knowledge than me is appreciated.

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Wank Banks Popping Up On High Streets Across The Country

Since the introduction of the government’s Porn Block, people are becoming reliant on memory wanks once more. As people desperately try to cling on to those memories, businesses have spotted a gap in the market and are offering services that promise to preserve those memories for longer.

Various methods are used within the banks:

They employ police sketch artists who are able to create flipbooks that play out scenes.

Items of clothing that retain memory triggering scents are stored securely within a vault.

Used condoms can be encased in amber.

Creative writing teachers train people how to get their experiences down onto paper in erotic prose, which can then be printed and laminated on site.

Porn Industry Seeks To Circumvent Block By Creating Products That Appeal To Other Senses

New patent filings have revealed that the porn industry is currently investigating new ways to reach audiences once the Porn Block is introduced and further censorship could be brought in.

In its current form, the Porn Block covers audio and visual pornography, but leaves the other senses up for grabs.

One patent details a porn gas which would be sprayed directly into the nostrils, allowing users to discreetly go about their day smelling porn while appearing to be suffering from a blocked nose.

Another patent aimed at taste described chewable porn pills, which are both sensual and low in calories. The pills would come in a Smarties-style tube and feature such flavours as sweat, rubber and regret.

Cries of "ulterior motive" as government unveils its own VPN to bypass its porn block

Angry citizens have taken to the streets today after the government revealed CyberMask, a new VPN owned by the prominent members of the Conservative party.

The service, which costs £7.99 a month, will go live at midnight tonight. The Prime Minister promised that it is the fastest and most secure VPN on the market, giving access to some “really sexy stuff”.

He also went on to add that every other VPN on the market is now illegal. A new department, similar to the TV License Agency, will go door to checking people’s computers to ensure no other VPN is being used. 

Alternative ways to feel shame now the porn block is in place

Now that there are obstacles in the way of accessing pornography and therefore post-porn shame, there are concerns amongst many that shame levels across the country could plummet, leading to unintended psychological consequences.

The government recommends getting five portions of shame a week and offers these easily accessible sources:

1. A chocolate gateau will often be described as for 4-6 people, but it is remarkably easy to eat an entire one in just one sitting. Purchasable for as little as £1.50 from most supermarkets, they present a quick and easy source of shame. For even more shame, don’t wait for the gateau to defrost and eat it frozen. The more frozen it is, the more shame you’ll experience.  
2. Tell a stranger how you genuinely feel. Nothing brings on shame like unprompted sincerity. Walk up to any stranger at a bus stop, appear like you’re about to talk about the weather, but feint left and start talking about your doubts and fears instead, the more personal the better. 
3. Try, but fail to achieve your dreams. 
4. Amass huge gambling debts that mean you have to sell your house and then call a meeting with your friends and family to inform them of this news.

Boris promises to reverse porn block and reveals plans for supplying homes with more porn than ever

Boris Johnson has today unveiled plans to reverse the Porn Block and instead create an opt-out system for pornography.

“I want porn beamed into houses 24/7. I want it stuffed through letterboxes, I wanted it pouring out of taps. If people don’t like it they can simply opt-out, but why would they?

"Porn is the lifeblood of this country."

"When I look into a man’s eye I want to know he’s consumed so much pornography he no longer feels anything. He’s completely numb. You could slice him with a sword and he wouldn’t flinch.

"That’s the Britain we fought for. That’s the Britain we deserve” said the disheveled Prime Minister before being urged into a cupboard by ten of his aides.