Wank Banks Popping Up On High Streets Across The Country

Since the introduction of the government’s Porn Block, people are becoming reliant on memory wanks once more. As people desperately try to cling on to those memories, businesses have spotted a gap in the market and are offering services that promise to preserve those memories for longer.

Various methods are used within the banks:

They employ police sketch artists who are able to create flipbooks that play out scenes.

Items of clothing that retain memory triggering scents are stored securely within a vault.

Used condoms can be encased in amber.

Creative writing teachers train people how to get their experiences down onto paper in erotic prose, which can then be printed and laminated on site.

Porn Industry Seeks To Circumvent Block By Creating Products That Appeal To Other Senses

New patent filings have revealed that the porn industry is currently investigating new ways to reach audiences once the Porn Block is introduced and further censorship could be brought in.

In its current form, the Porn Block covers audio and visual pornography, but leaves the other senses up for grabs.

One patent details a porn gas which would be sprayed directly into the nostrils, allowing users to discreetly go about their day smelling porn while appearing to be suffering from a blocked nose.

Another patent aimed at taste described chewable porn pills, which are both sensual and low in calories. The pills would come in a Smarties-style tube and feature such flavours as sweat, rubber and regret.

Cries of "ulterior motive" as government unveils its own VPN to bypass its porn block

Angry citizens have taken to the streets today after the government revealed CyberMask, a new VPN owned by the prominent members of the Conservative party.

The service, which costs £7.99 a month, will go live at midnight tonight. The Prime Minister promised that it is the fastest and most secure VPN on the market, giving access to some “really sexy stuff”.

He also went on to add that every other VPN on the market is now illegal. A new department, similar to the TV License Agency, will go door to checking people’s computers to ensure no other VPN is being used. 

Alternative ways to feel shame now the porn block is in place

Now that there are obstacles in the way of accessing pornography and therefore post-porn shame, there are concerns amongst many that shame levels across the country could plummet, leading to unintended psychological consequences.

The government recommends getting five portions of shame a week and offers these easily accessible sources:

1. A chocolate gateau will often be described as for 4-6 people, but it is remarkably easy to eat an entire one in just one sitting. Purchasable for as little as £1.50 from most supermarkets, they present a quick and easy source of shame. For even more shame, don’t wait for the gateau to defrost and eat it frozen. The more frozen it is, the more shame you’ll experience.  
2. Tell a stranger how you genuinely feel. Nothing brings on shame like unprompted sincerity. Walk up to any stranger at a bus stop, appear like you’re about to talk about the weather, but feint left and start talking about your doubts and fears instead, the more personal the better. 
3. Try, but fail to achieve your dreams. 
4. Amass huge gambling debts that mean you have to sell your house and then call a meeting with your friends and family to inform them of this news.

Boris promises to reverse porn block and reveals plans for supplying homes with more porn than ever

Boris Johnson has today unveiled plans to reverse the Porn Block and instead create an opt-out system for pornography.

“I want porn beamed into houses 24/7. I want it stuffed through letterboxes, I wanted it pouring out of taps. If people don’t like it they can simply opt-out, but why would they?

"Porn is the lifeblood of this country."

"When I look into a man’s eye I want to know he’s consumed so much pornography he no longer feels anything. He’s completely numb. You could slice him with a sword and he wouldn’t flinch.

"That’s the Britain we fought for. That’s the Britain we deserve” said the disheveled Prime Minister before being urged into a cupboard by ten of his aides.

Zoopla blocked by government after data reveals millennials are "getting off" thinking about one day owning a house

In an unexpected twist, internet users have found themselves unable to access property website Zoopla since the government’s Porn Block was activated.

The block, which prevents access to pornography, also censors any material which “sexually arouses”.

In recent years it has become increasingly common for people between the ages of 24 and 35 to become aroused at the thought of one day owning a home. As house prices have continued to rise despite stagnant wages, the fantasy of becoming a homeowner has remained just that for most people. 

Surveys show that 6/10 millennials are using websites such as Zoopla to masturbate over floor plans, second bedrooms and kitchen islands.

Ban on trenchcoats as porn block goes live

The government has introduced a temporary ban on the sale of all trench coats in the UK after a retired cartoonist suggested three six-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat might be able to walk into a newsagent and buy an age verification card, thus bypassing the Porn Block.

Concerned and hysterical parents on social media have even urged other parents to start burning old trench coats to prevent them from falling into the wrong hands.

However, a government spokesperson insists this is not necessary and encourages worried parents to simply keep any existing trench coats hidden until a better plan can be put in place.

There have also been reports of angry mobs tearing open people's trench coats to check there aren't actually three children inside, which the press is calling "reverse flashing".

Government plans to move all classical nude statues from British Museum to the backrooms of newsagents

The art world is in an uproar today as a leaked government document revealed plans for relocating every naked statue in the British Museum to newsagents across the country.

“We believe there is no-one with more experience in keeping nudity hidden from the public than the noble newsagent” said the document.

Despite a backlash from the art world, many people see the move as a positive one.

Newsagents have taken a big hit since the rise of online pornography and having priceless works of art on site would help them become major players in the adult industry once more.

Porn sites to exploit porn block loophole by shifting focus towards Coronation Street discussion

Some of the largest porn sites are taking measures to ensure they don't lose any traffic once the Porn Block is introduced.

As it stands, sites where less than a third of the content is adult related will not be subject to age verification.

Pornhub believes that by ensuring two thirds of its website is dedicated to Coronation Street it will not only maintain the same amount of traffic, but actually grow.

A spokesperson for the company said "There are nearly 10,000 episodes of Coronation Street. There's a lot to discuss.

"We'll have episode recaps, character biographies. We'll encourage customers to submit their own non-pornographic spec scripts and fan art. We'll have crosswords, word searches."

"This is an exciting time for any fan of the show".

Lack of internet pornography might mean an entire generation will grow up not knowing how to shit in a cup and drink it says government think tank

A government think tank has raised concerns that blocking internet pornography could have long term effects on the minds of the next generation.

"Without access to the darkest pits of the web, many young people are going to grow up with a healthy attitude towards sex." the study said.

"There are going to be adults walking around completely oblivious to what's out there. Really this should be a job for the parents, but it's not a conversation they'll want to have.

"The burden may have to fall upon the schools, who will have to let their students know that while shitting in a cup and drinking it is not hygienic, there is nothing wrong with doing it if that's what you're into".

GOVERNMENT ADDRESSES CONCERNS OVER YOUNGER SOLDIERS LOSING ACCESS TO INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY

The government has today responded to the backlash over soldiers who are under the age of 18 losing access to internet pornography.

While 16-year-olds are allowed to join the army and legally kill people, they have to wait a further two years to view pornography, which many human rights campaigners feel is unfair.

A spokesperson for the government said they were trialing a scheme where for every enemy soldier they killed, an underage soldier would be allowed to enter a private room and look at a photo of a naked person for ten minutes, provided they have a signed permission slip from their parents.

The government says there will initially be ten different photos to choose from, featuring women and men with different hair colours such and blonde and brunette, but hopes to expand that number to fifteen should the trial be successful.

This content was written before the UK Government decided not to go ahead with intended porn ban. It was intended to be on a site that would help adults find websites without having to age verify as part of an SEO project.

As it is now defunct. It can be revealed.