Artist Website Hated By Google

 Late last year, I was asked to take a look at British artist Mark Alexander's website to see if I could work out why it was not ranking in Google for some simple terms.

Despite making huge changes to the site and working on everything I could think of, Google still hates it. As of September, the site does not show anywhere for 'Mark Alexander artist' 'Mark Alexander art' and combinations of these terms. However, he settles nicely on the second page for the more broad term 'Mark Alexander'.

For the record, there are no problems in Search Console or Lighthouse and I have even implemented some changes recommended in a Google post I initiated.

Now I understand for a term like Mark Alexander artist there will be some competition - mainly from galleries, museums, and his social media profiles. However as you can see from the image below, I have been to the depths of the SERPS and found nothing.

I mean nowhere! Seriously. This appears as though it is some kind of shadow ban. However, why does it rank in its correct position for 'Mark Alexander'. If I was a detective, I'd say this was my toughest case to crack of all time.

The thing is, I am not an expert on this type of thing. My background is in SEO content. I've always been interested in user intent. What does the person searching for something, actually expect to see? For Mark Alexander artist, my guess would be that any searcher may expect to find his Wikipedia page; some gallery pages showcasing some of his most famous exhibitions; his social media accounts (although he does have a Knowledge Panel for this term) and eventually (fanfare!) Mark Alexander's artist homepage or at the very least his biography page. 

Even writing this, from a blog I very rarely use, I fear this post will appear in the rankings. Obviously not high but it will be somewhere...unlike this site. In the next blog, I'll describe how I found the site, late last year and explain some of the things I did to help it ranks. Any thought off anyone with more knowledge than me is appreciated.

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Wank Banks Popping Up On High Streets Across The Country

Since the introduction of the government’s Porn Block, people are becoming reliant on memory wanks once more. As people desperately try to cling on to those memories, businesses have spotted a gap in the market and are offering services that promise to preserve those memories for longer.

Various methods are used within the banks:

They employ police sketch artists who are able to create flipbooks that play out scenes.

Items of clothing that retain memory triggering scents are stored securely within a vault.

Used condoms can be encased in amber.

Creative writing teachers train people how to get their experiences down onto paper in erotic prose, which can then be printed and laminated on site.

Porn Industry Seeks To Circumvent Block By Creating Products That Appeal To Other Senses

New patent filings have revealed that the porn industry is currently investigating new ways to reach audiences once the Porn Block is introduced and further censorship could be brought in.

In its current form, the Porn Block covers audio and visual pornography, but leaves the other senses up for grabs.

One patent details a porn gas which would be sprayed directly into the nostrils, allowing users to discreetly go about their day smelling porn while appearing to be suffering from a blocked nose.

Another patent aimed at taste described chewable porn pills, which are both sensual and low in calories. The pills would come in a Smarties-style tube and feature such flavours as sweat, rubber and regret.

Cries of "ulterior motive" as government unveils its own VPN to bypass its porn block

Angry citizens have taken to the streets today after the government revealed CyberMask, a new VPN owned by the prominent members of the Conservative party.

The service, which costs £7.99 a month, will go live at midnight tonight. The Prime Minister promised that it is the fastest and most secure VPN on the market, giving access to some “really sexy stuff”.

He also went on to add that every other VPN on the market is now illegal. A new department, similar to the TV License Agency, will go door to checking people’s computers to ensure no other VPN is being used. 

Alternative ways to feel shame now the porn block is in place

Now that there are obstacles in the way of accessing pornography and therefore post-porn shame, there are concerns amongst many that shame levels across the country could plummet, leading to unintended psychological consequences.

The government recommends getting five portions of shame a week and offers these easily accessible sources:

1. A chocolate gateau will often be described as for 4-6 people, but it is remarkably easy to eat an entire one in just one sitting. Purchasable for as little as £1.50 from most supermarkets, they present a quick and easy source of shame. For even more shame, don’t wait for the gateau to defrost and eat it frozen. The more frozen it is, the more shame you’ll experience.  
2. Tell a stranger how you genuinely feel. Nothing brings on shame like unprompted sincerity. Walk up to any stranger at a bus stop, appear like you’re about to talk about the weather, but feint left and start talking about your doubts and fears instead, the more personal the better. 
3. Try, but fail to achieve your dreams. 
4. Amass huge gambling debts that mean you have to sell your house and then call a meeting with your friends and family to inform them of this news.

Boris promises to reverse porn block and reveals plans for supplying homes with more porn than ever

Boris Johnson has today unveiled plans to reverse the Porn Block and instead create an opt-out system for pornography.

“I want porn beamed into houses 24/7. I want it stuffed through letterboxes, I wanted it pouring out of taps. If people don’t like it they can simply opt-out, but why would they?

"Porn is the lifeblood of this country."

"When I look into a man’s eye I want to know he’s consumed so much pornography he no longer feels anything. He’s completely numb. You could slice him with a sword and he wouldn’t flinch.

"That’s the Britain we fought for. That’s the Britain we deserve” said the disheveled Prime Minister before being urged into a cupboard by ten of his aides.

Zoopla blocked by government after data reveals millennials are "getting off" thinking about one day owning a house

In an unexpected twist, internet users have found themselves unable to access property website Zoopla since the government’s Porn Block was activated.

The block, which prevents access to pornography, also censors any material which “sexually arouses”.

In recent years it has become increasingly common for people between the ages of 24 and 35 to become aroused at the thought of one day owning a home. As house prices have continued to rise despite stagnant wages, the fantasy of becoming a homeowner has remained just that for most people. 

Surveys show that 6/10 millennials are using websites such as Zoopla to masturbate over floor plans, second bedrooms and kitchen islands.

Ban on trenchcoats as porn block goes live

The government has introduced a temporary ban on the sale of all trench coats in the UK after a retired cartoonist suggested three six-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat might be able to walk into a newsagent and buy an age verification card, thus bypassing the Porn Block.

Concerned and hysterical parents on social media have even urged other parents to start burning old trench coats to prevent them from falling into the wrong hands.

However, a government spokesperson insists this is not necessary and encourages worried parents to simply keep any existing trench coats hidden until a better plan can be put in place.

There have also been reports of angry mobs tearing open people's trench coats to check there aren't actually three children inside, which the press is calling "reverse flashing".

Government plans to move all classical nude statues from British Museum to the backrooms of newsagents

The art world is in an uproar today as a leaked government document revealed plans for relocating every naked statue in the British Museum to newsagents across the country.

“We believe there is no-one with more experience in keeping nudity hidden from the public than the noble newsagent” said the document.

Despite a backlash from the art world, many people see the move as a positive one.

Newsagents have taken a big hit since the rise of online pornography and having priceless works of art on site would help them become major players in the adult industry once more.

Porn sites to exploit porn block loophole by shifting focus towards Coronation Street discussion

Some of the largest porn sites are taking measures to ensure they don't lose any traffic once the Porn Block is introduced.

As it stands, sites where less than a third of the content is adult related will not be subject to age verification.

Pornhub believes that by ensuring two thirds of its website is dedicated to Coronation Street it will not only maintain the same amount of traffic, but actually grow.

A spokesperson for the company said "There are nearly 10,000 episodes of Coronation Street. There's a lot to discuss.

"We'll have episode recaps, character biographies. We'll encourage customers to submit their own non-pornographic spec scripts and fan art. We'll have crosswords, word searches."

"This is an exciting time for any fan of the show".

Lack of internet pornography might mean an entire generation will grow up not knowing how to shit in a cup and drink it says government think tank

A government think tank has raised concerns that blocking internet pornography could have long term effects on the minds of the next generation.

"Without access to the darkest pits of the web, many young people are going to grow up with a healthy attitude towards sex." the study said.

"There are going to be adults walking around completely oblivious to what's out there. Really this should be a job for the parents, but it's not a conversation they'll want to have.

"The burden may have to fall upon the schools, who will have to let their students know that while shitting in a cup and drinking it is not hygienic, there is nothing wrong with doing it if that's what you're into".

GOVERNMENT ADDRESSES CONCERNS OVER YOUNGER SOLDIERS LOSING ACCESS TO INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY

The government has today responded to the backlash over soldiers who are under the age of 18 losing access to internet pornography.

While 16-year-olds are allowed to join the army and legally kill people, they have to wait a further two years to view pornography, which many human rights campaigners feel is unfair.

A spokesperson for the government said they were trialing a scheme where for every enemy soldier they killed, an underage soldier would be allowed to enter a private room and look at a photo of a naked person for ten minutes, provided they have a signed permission slip from their parents.

The government says there will initially be ten different photos to choose from, featuring women and men with different hair colours such and blonde and brunette, but hopes to expand that number to fifteen should the trial be successful.

This content was written before the UK Government decided not to go ahead with intended porn ban. It was intended to be on a site that would help adults find websites without having to age verify as part of an SEO project.

As it is now defunct. It can be revealed. 

Nackensteak in a slow cooker

I spent most of my twenties drinking and smoking weed. I've done trips, speed, cocaine, E's, ketamine and heroin (well... just the once) and I'm about to write a blog post about how to cook pork neck steaks (Nackensteak ) in a slow cooker. What have I become?

With two boys and an increasing workload, I need time and the slow cooker gives me some back. Lob everything in and eat later.

I've got no Amazon affiliate links in this post, it just might help someone like myself who sees nackensteaks in a German supermarket and wonders how they can (slow) cook them.

I know I should have photos in this post but I can't be bothered.

So, get out your slow cooker and throw in the nackensteaks. Add a box of tomato passata (Tomaten passiert in German). 500g packet will do. Then just fill the rest of the slow cooker up with any fresh or frozen vegetables you have. Add some salt and any fancy herbs you have. Set on high and in 8 hours you will have a lovely pork stew.

Fire up Beebs and you are away.

Revisiting SEO and wedding photos

I've not worked in SEO for a number of years having concentrated by accident on social media.

I always found SEO quite easy because basically it is about acquiring links and I never found it hard to get any site I worked with decent links and good visibilty in search engines.

A few months ago, an old friend asked to recommend a website builder for his new wedding photography business based in Crosby, Liverpool.

I searched around and found a decent page that gave an honest opinion of the various options. It's here, it is quite good.

Unfortunately, he signed up with Go Daddy and used their website builder - it just seemed easier for himself - its limitations means he may struggle to get found in the search engines without a bit of effort.

Leaving that aside (I'm sure he will do well by word of mouth and have a pretty website to point people at) I started to remember all the times friends have asked me about SEO or I have told them I knew about SEO and could help their site (free of charge because they were friends or family).

Over a ten year period, not one used any advice I gave them.

Many of their businesses failed.

I did try but unfortunately sometimes people think they know better.

Twitter test

@ArenaFlowers I've yet to cry from laughter when reading a joke but everything you've tweeted today has pushed the boundary. Bravo.

— Thomas King (@thomjking) January 4, 2012

@ArenaFlowers I've yet to cry from laughter when reading a joke but everything you've tweeted today has pushed the boundary. Bravo.

— Thomas King (@thomjking) January 4, 2012

Easyjet Liverpool Berlin Fiasco

I always knew the only good thing about Easyjet was their cheap prices. I've never expected great service, good food and short queues. However, I have always expected to actually get on a flight I booked...until last week.

Flying back from Liverpool Airport to Berlin, I arrived at the airport around half an hour before the final check-in time. Massive queues. Standard.

I went to the Easyjet service desk and asked what was the best thing to do as this queue was going to take more than half an hour to receed. "Start queuing up and all Berlin passengers will be called forward." I was told. A Thai woman in the adjacent queue was asking the same question and we spoke briefly about how worrying it was the the queue was so long.

I made my way to the back of the queue but noticed this woman was a bit further ahead of me standing with her son. Never one to miss an opportunity to push past people (Germany has taught me this -the Germans hate queuing), I moved up ten or fifteen places to stand with this woman.

It turned out she used to live in Berlin and I chatted with her and her son just to take my mind off the queuing. It transpired that she was not travelling but had just brought her son to the airport. I soon realised all was not right with her sixteen-year-old son. Not in an obvious way as he was a pleasant and cheerful young man but I suspected he may of had learning difficulties and his manner was more of a ten-year-old than a person on the verge of adulthood.....saying that, he was bi-lingual so I could be totally wrong!

He lived in Dresden with his father and had been visiting his mother and her new family in Southport. His father would be picking him at the airport in Berlin.

As the time approached for last check-in time, I began to get nervous but a group not too far in front of us (also travelling to Berlin) went to the desk and were told not to worry as the flight had been delayed slightly.

The mother drew me to one side and asked me if I would keep and eye on her son and make sure he got the flight as she had to leave to go to work. She said he would be OK but just in case etc. I agreed thinking nothing could go wrong and to be honest I was enjoying chatting and joking with him...him laughing at my lack of German vocab despite living in Germany for three years.

We were eventually called out of the queue to check-in and after doing so we sprinted/jogged to the security area.

Again massive queues. Determined not to miss the flight, I pushed my way through the crowds with my new friend in tow. We reached the front and explained to the security guy our situation i.e. the flight would be leaving soon and we needed to get through as soon as possible. The bloke was having none of it explaining that letting us through would cause fights. He said if it was urgent then he would have been told and there would have been an announcement. He asked his supervisor who said they could not let us through. We went back and pushed in fairly close to the front and waited.

Ten minutes later we were through security and once again sprinted heading to the boarding gate.

The plane had gone.

Not to worry, I thought. We did nothing wrong. We were in the airport in good time. We ran every chance we got. They have messed up and will need to find a way to get us to Berlin....maybe late but they will get us to Berlin today!

But then the lies started from the girl at Easyjet obviously determined to cover up the fact they had made a total fuck up of thing.

"We made two annoucements" LIE

"We sent a person to bring people through security" LIE

"75 people checked-in after you and managed to board the flight" LIE.

These lies meant Easyjet were blaming us for missing the flight.

These lies meant Easyjet were not taking any responsibility for making us miss the flight.

These lies meant they would not pay a train fare or taxi fare to Gatwick were there was a flight leaving in five hours time.

These lies meant Easyjet would charge me £38 if I wanted to travel the next day or if I wanted to fly from Gatwick that day.

I wasn't sure what to do and my newly acquired travelling companion did not have his mother's number to tell her what had happened and his father who was picking him up at Berlin Airport was non-contactable.

After much thinking and working out connecting flights, trains etc, I realised there was no way to get to Berlin before 2am and not without a lot of expense.

My idea of asking Easyjet to contact Easyjet at Berlin Airport to explain to the father the situation once he realised his son was not on the flight and perhaps had gone to the Berlin Easyjet desk was thwarted when told they were not allowed to do this.

To cut a long story short, Easyjet tracked down my new friend's step-father who came to the airport to pick him up but not before I had to pay £38 to get on the following day's flight.

Obviously, Easyjet make it as difficult as possible to complain by email and charge premium rate to complain by phone. I'd almost given up until I used Twitter to voice my anger.

I quickly received a message to email a customer service guy and within a couple of hours they agreed to repay my money.

A very messy day and incident caused by incompetence by Easyjet staff at Liverpool and though it's easy to blame individuals the blame lies squarely at Easyjet's penny pinching management who did not provide enough staff or adequate training for their staff. They admitted this in their email to me.

Still, they should have organised for me to get to Berlin that day. I wonder what David Dimberley would have done.

I was concerned to read about the problems you experienced at Liverpool airport and would like to apologise for the inconvenience and the frustration that this will have caused you.

There are procedures in place to ensure that regular and correct information is forwarded to our passengers as soon as we receive it ourselves. It seems from your comments that you did not receive this level of service and for this I sincerely apologise.

We are aware of the fact that at certain airports level of service is not the one we would like to see. We have already taken certain steps in order to change this. We are gathering feedback that we receive from our customers and our Executives have already visited some selected airports and retrained the staff.

Your feedback also confirms that we still need to improve a lot in terms of the customer experience we offer at the airports. Having checked your reservation I decided to refund the rescue fee that was charged at the airport (£38). It will be returned back to the card used for making your easyJet booking within 5-10 working days.

Once again I would like to thank you for taking time to pass your comments to Paul and please accept my apologies for the inconvenience you experienced at Liverpool airport. This feedback will definitely help us to improve the level of service delivered to our customers. I do hope this will not stop you from flying with easyJet again.

Graham Cunningham on Hills and Ladbrokes

Below is piece by Graham Cunningham (my favourite racing broadcaster despite him refusing to print off my racing figures at Pontefract one day...claiming there was no printer in there) which was buried in a recent Betfair piece.

If I ever end up on Mastermind then you can bet 1.01 with confidence that racing politics will not be my specialist subject.
However, the news that William Hill and Ladbrokes are taking their internet betting operations abroad in order to minimise their tax burden really began to grate on me as this week has worn on.
It wasn't so much the fact that big businesses want to find ways to make more money that grated - more the brazen way in which Hills chief executive Ralph Topping seemed intent on blaming everyone bar himself for the decision to head offshore.
Topping probably has a point in describing racing's leadership as "a rabble," but he is well wide of the mark when calling the move to stage the Derby on Saturday "a numpty decision" and really showed his true colours when insisting that racing should realise it is a mere betting product rather than a true sport to rival the likes of the Ashes and the FA Cup.
It's hard to envisage anyone with such a view going out of his way to help racing to any real extent, but what should the sport do in response to the projected loss of around £5m in Levy payments?
Better brains than mine need to provide the answer to that, but it wouldn't do any harm for newspapers and television channels to start restricting the amount of print and airtime given to the omnipresent PR representatives of firms who head offshore.
For example, the Racing Post devoted the first three pages of its Friday edition to the news that Ladbrokes are heading offshore but sugared the pill to one of its biggest advertisers with an adjacent and blatant puff piece about a punter who could win £1m if Red Merlin wins the Ebor to complete his £250 ante post treble.
"Both we and the punter are set for a fortnight of sleepless nights," said Ladbrokes' incorrigible PR spokesman David Williams.
I don't know about the punter, but I've often wondered how Williams, Topping and the rest of their merry gang sleep at night.

Luck and the World Cup

I was offered a job the other day in a 'hot' country. A few years ago I would have jumped at the chance but as I already live in a foreign country and have no desire to leave here, I turned it down.

The main reason was the person I am with has a job here which they enjoy and it is refreshing not to hear somebody moan every evening about their job. I sometimes don't think they realise how lucky they are to be happy in work because my experience in the last twenty years is of work not being great.

I really have had some shit jobs in my 'career' - cleaner, barman, temping, betting shop manager. The list is long and varied. Most of the time, it was looking forward to a beer and a laugh at the end of the day they kept me going.....there was little reward in actually working...apart from the money - which was generally low if I didn't do overtime.

After quitting my betting shop manager job before getting fired, I got a lucky break after being given an opportunity to work on the horse racing desk of a sports news website. I only got the job through an old friend and not through any talent. The first few weeks I just intelligently kept my head down and looked keen and eager.

I knew I was safe in that job when they started hiring people with less knowledge than me...you know who you are Anne Marie McTigeague! - she was actually a lovely girl and probably doing well for herself.

Anyhow, I luckily managed to get out of the hose racing desk work to work in a horse racing spin off department that the company had just bought.

The boss there gave me so much confidence in myself -despite not being the best worker - it was unreal and I can't thank him enough. We are still friends now and although he will hate me for it I see him as a bit of a father figure.

He ended up buying back the company he had sold to the sports news website and I was out of a job. I wasn't that bothered as I got some redundancy money and ended up working freelance for the horse racing desk for a year or so.

Fast forward a year and I'm skint again and have no work. I end up going back to working as a betting shop manager for a terrible independent company. Commuting an hour a day and working 12 hour shifts. It was not much fun.

After my ringtone website started interesting the search engines, I gave up that job and lived on the proceeds for a while (six months) until I had to look for work.

Luckily, I was able to get some shifts writing about horse racing but various reasons meant I was always struggling for money...and shifts.

I bit the bullet (probably never became a great writer due to overusing and wrongly using cliches) and worked for 500 quid a month on a World Cup website. It failed when England went out to Portugal (fucking Ronaldo) and actually made a loss.

I trundled along with the horse racing writing and picked up some poker and casino writing along the way as well other bits and pieces but I was always struggling for money and struggling for money is shit.

By 2008, I was surviving/struggling on 360 quid a month when the horse racing writing stopped until another lucky break and I ended up (after a bleak probationary period) on a half decent wage.

Moral of the story....it's all luck.

Time for Proportional Representation

I've always wanted proportional representation for the UK government ever since realising how the first past the post system was bordering on the corrupt.

I was told years ago that it would never happen because the political parties in charge would not change the system that guaranteed them continuing power.

It is funny how panicky David Cameron has become lately. He knows PR is the best system but instead he talks about changes to the process of picking MPs and putting stuff on Youtube...he hasn't got the confidence in his own party to campaign for PR because he knows his party will end up having less power.

There are no logical arguments for keeping the present system other than Labour and the Conservatives knowing how important it is for themselves.

Germany is a country with PR and it gets along quite nicely and so are many other stable and well run countries in Europe. It's time for a change but, once again,like the smoking ban, I can see Englanders in their pathetic little gardens rolling over as usual....or rather too happy to spend their time in front of the soap operas to actually care what is happening in their own country.

Long live Germany..the home of the free (smokers).